ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
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