just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
