I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
