meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
