im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
