Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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