D3 body, D1 cock
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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