i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Randomize
