Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
