I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
