She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
