my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Randomize
