I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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