Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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