Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
