Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
