It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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