btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
