I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
