Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
