I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
