i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
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