Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
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