My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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