i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Randomize
