Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
