wanna go halves on a baby?
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
