I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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