I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
