I molested 6 butterflies tonight
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
