I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
