Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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