Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
