His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
