How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
