I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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