It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
