had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Two words: nipple clamps
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