She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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