You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
