so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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