just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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