I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize