dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
