I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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