oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
