It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
