I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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