i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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