Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
It's just like the Real World with babies
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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