I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
