cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
