I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
