we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
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