So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
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