Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
i've created a new STD.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Randomize
