Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
