for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
