Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
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She even gives head with a lisp.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
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He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
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