It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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