i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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