Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
